Review

This was truly miserable. Like, jesus christ. It wasn't a death march...but it was not so far off. I had remembered from when I first played this one that I did not like it, but even the few years since has not been kind to it. Why in the fuck is this game more juvenile than the first one? Who is this for? Who in the fuck is this even for?

This game's story is vile trash. It's trying to be a recap episode. Why? You don't need to recap games that have happened. This isn't pre-recorded TV where whatever was playing was what's on. And if you missed something you had to hope you caught a re-run or the show explained in a recap what was going on. I can just play the other games. I did play the other games. You don't need to waste my time explaining the other games to me. This very much feels like a case of the anime leaking in and poisoning everything. The trope of the recap episode to fill space for some reason instead of just not. But it's also plainly just setting up Kingdom Hearts 3. So again I ask, what purpose does this game even serve narratively? It's not doing anything itself but looking backwards and forwards.

I can't stand the cutesy bullshit. This is not classic Disney magic. It's weird childish juvenile garbage. I am not asking for Kingdom Hearts rated M. Sora does not need to go pick up the prostitute and then off her to get his money back. But again, this is significantly more juvenile than even the first game in the series. Who is enchanted by this? I don't wanna poke and prod the stupid claymation neon nightmares. I don't want to hear that horrendous music when you do the minigames with them. Where is my Donald? Where is my Goofy? It's genuinely embarrassing in a way that the rest of the series has not been. In fact, I would go so far as to say that there is no magic to be had here. Kingdom Hearts is many things. But a mainstay of it, a big draw, is that it's got a touch of magic. A sprinkle of pixie dust, if you will. But there's literally no room for magic because this game is an ADHD colorscape of cringy nothing.

I hate all the dialogue. I don't know why we've completely forgotten how to write a single line that doesn't make me roll my eyes and wanna turn the game off. But every word every character speaks is awful. The characters from The World Ends With You in Traverse Town made me wanna scream. Why in the flying fuck are we explaining the plot of their game in this game? Why are they speaking to me? That is all that they do and they are wretched beyond belief. Let's be clear, Kingdom Hearts is no stranger to bad dialogue. But I think in past games, we were at least having fun. We were laughing with it, or sometimes at it. But in 3D I was not laughing.

Criminally also, the music is no great shakes. That is a big point of nostalgia for me with the other games. The music is bangin' and I can't really recall any new song here at all. Just another point of mediocrity in its favor. Also, why the fuck are Sora and Riku younger here? Like, literally what is the reason? Why did we do that? I don't understand. There is literally zero point in it. It seems like a completely arbitrary and meaningless decision.

The gameplay also is not good. It feels like they took Birth By Sleep and removed some of the complexities with the command system. And then just slapped on the magic parkour. I liked the command system. I enjoyed mixing things together to see what new commands we could get. So the fact that we're using that system kinda sorta but it's just been further simplified feels ick. And the problem with the magic parkour is that flattens all levels. You're so frenetically fast that I can barely see what's happening and I'm the one playing it. I can't imagine how it is for someone just watching. It makes the level design feel nearly as flat as the open floor plan levels of Chain of Memories.

This one is no good and should be thrown into the seas. KH3 would require almost no rewriting in order for this one to no longer be needed at all. This one bummed me out. I recall from what I did play of it, that I enjoyed KH3 orders of magnitude more than this one. So that is good.

First of course, we need to cover the KH3 tech demo with the nonsense name, Fragmentary Passage.

Links