👀I am seated. (Production still from filming)

Review

Setting aside the well-fit Hebrews, this movie is fucking crazy. I think I'll first cover the parts of it I did not like before I go into praise mode. So here's the thing, the story is not good. The movie itself is just doing a direct adaptation of the story. (So far as I know. I found the Bible to be endlessly boring as a child and it held little interest for me. So I guess I can't say for sure either way. But whatever.) So when I say that it's not great, know that I'm directly speaking against the writers of the Bible. Obviously, we're in mythology land, so the characters aren't really actual characters, but rather cardboard cutouts with pre-designed purposes. Nefretiri is probably the most 3-dimensional and interesting character we get. And from what I saw from some light looking, she was an original. So that immediately made sense to me.

Additionally, there's some weirdness present in terms of actual plotting and the events near the end of the film that were not good and could have been done better. After we've done the whole exodus and crossed the Red Sea, Moses goes upon Mount Sinai and is gone for a while. The Hebrews immediately devolve into worshipping a golden calf and being sinful while he's gone. This is very stupid. I understand the general idea we're going for. They're godless atheists. No longer under the heel of the Egyptians and they have not yet received the good word. So they default to being sinful and worshipping false idols. Here's the fucking thing, though. These people all just saw a pillar of fire halt the Egyptian army. They just saw their god part the seas allowing them safe passage. They just saw the seas then drown the approaching Egyptians the moment the Hebrews were safe and on the other side. And you're telling me these people immediately completely forget that? No. I fully understand these people are not educated. But this is some ridiculous storytelling the Bible is trying to do. This is flatly incorrect.

So here's what should be happening. I'm fine with the golden calf, it has some good imagery to it. But it needs to happen before the red sea crossing. So here's what you do, we have the exodus but the Egyptians do not immediately go for the kill. Ramses is lost in his depression after God cruelly and needlessly murders his innocent son. (I think it's so telling that the Bible is so irreconcilably crazy with character motivations that we had to have an in-work example of retcon. Where we stop talking about God because of how malicious and evil he is and we start talking about Jesus because of how much simpler and more crowd-pleasing he is. Whatever.) So we've got the Hebrews now heading to Sinai and we've got them traveling along the Red Sea. I think it makes so much more sense to have them start drifting into sin right here. Then while that's going on, Moses is trying to get them to stop their stupid shit and then we have the Egyptians come after them. So what can you do here is have Moses say "abandon your false idol and trust me and God. Come with me and you'll be safe." (leading them towards the sea itself.) This lets you have them make a leap of faith. The ones that stay with the golden calf are slaughtered by the Egyptians. The ones that go with Moses and choose to believe accompany him across the parted sea. The sea closes on the Egyptians and then we travel to Sinai without incident. This is a much better ordering of events. As it is, I don't understand why everyone is shown to be a gormless moron, having seen the supernatural and then forgetting it 5 minutes later. Just bad writing.

Additionally, drop the plot element of God making these people wander the desert for 40 years so the original generation that did the whole golden calf bit has died off. This is yet more needless cruelty from God. It serves no narrative purpose other than to demonstrate the character's insane jealousy and lack of forgiveness. I don't know how to explain to people that this is not a deity that is deserving of your worship.

Now, turning away from all that and moving towards what's good. And moreover talking about the film itself, as opposed to the general story. This movie is fucking crazy. There are 10,000 different sets. Nearly every single scene takes place on a different set. This is an Intolerance-level situation where we are building cities. There's like one place that gets reused in a couple of scenes and it's literally the Pharaoh's throne room. I was genuinely shocked at how crazy we were being with the sets and the costumes and the number of extras. Very enjoyable to see. Very crazy. Joshua was also particularly well-cast. I liked that spunky lil guy. Wouldn't have minded seeing more of him. Charlton Heston, that handsome lad, does also make for a good Moses. I did find myself frequently comparing Ten Commandments to Ben-Hur given they're both epics that star Heston. And I would definitely say that I preferred Ben-Hur, again going back to the fact that in that one the characters are characters with actual dimension. But there's nothing necessarily bad here with Moses. He's just not as interesting a person.